Now Playing Tracks

Dear Awesome Followers of Mine,

first off… fuck tumblr mobile’s app… every time my phone’s orientation changed it erased my WHOLE POST ugh… i was getting fucking sentimental… now im just pissed… hold on … im gonna write this in my docs app and grab Zazu (my pipe named after the bird from lion king bc its different colors from being used and it has this little blue spot idk i was high..)
.
..

..
.

ok im muuch better now :) and watching some Samurai Champloo in the background :3

so I have to admit something. Im different. Im not the robotripping and self harming tumblr user any more. Im far from the kid I was after I put my education on hiatus.

Back when i was first admitted to treatment for self harm and suicidal tendencies I was diagnosed dissociative (ill get to why this is important either in this post or one soon after) and i made this goal for myself: to live away from.my parents and become financially independant.

and Ive done that… and way more.

Starting in August when i lived in sober living …er…

lemme explain this bullshit to you really quick… back in July after I broke up with my David, my ldr boyfriend of 6.months then, in New York City when I went there for my brother’s (the one whom I trust the most of my whole family) med school graduation.. I tried my hand in drug dealing… or rather trying to get a lot of weed at once and grtting scammed out of a lot of mine and my parent’s money (i was gonna make it back in like 2days and it was a really good idea at the time… dont worry, i see now it was fucking idiotic) and after the last scam i was pissed, told my friend I wanted to do a bigger dose and ignored him (he wasnt even doing it) and then when he wasnt paying attention took another large dose and put myself in lethal range… like i tooke roughly 1600mg of dxm… (in perspective that’s roughly 54 triple C’s (normal high is at 6-8)) I honestly didnt care about the cosequences or my life… but it was the worst fuckig day to do it since it was the same day my sister went into labor early and my nephew was born… and after a long day of watching myself go from my mom’s work, home, airport, plane, hospital, and then snapping back to reality on the ride to nowheresville ( Stephenville, tx) and finding out oh shit that all reay fucking happened… then halfway through my stay my mom found out about the money (similar to a situation that happened at SAFE) my mom was like idk what to do with you so they sent me to live with a speedballer, everything addict, zombie (heroine addict), and addy addict… and i had to go to countless NA, AA and other meetings… it was fucking miserable considering i was addicted to self harm (which NO ONE in NA or AA gives a single fuck about) and my last time was the only time i didnt do it bc i was bored
..

ok so after leaving sober living (on my 21st… i mean there was no way i was going to spend my 21st bday in fuckig sober living) and i ended up paying the first half month and then forgot about the next month’s rent (i had it ready to go like in an envelope, i just didnt give.it to him… so on oct 17 (17 days after rent is due) he’s like you didnt pay rent gtfo and i was lkme wtf and gave all i had execept some clothes, work clothes, and my laptop and slept outside on the coldest night of the year and then stayed in a hotel room til i could move where i am today…

I work roughly 55-60 hrs a week at Corner Bakery and Jersey Mikes… Im currently looking for a job out of the restaurant business. I worked at Chilis as a server and to go for 4 months and the stress from the customers and the disrespect from my peers drove me to tears and almost self injury (again thank god for weed)… Its funny… im working more hours (like 25 more ) and im happier with my work, coworkers, and overall lifestyle… well not really happy with my lifestyle, but Im glad i can go from 10-3:30 and 4-10 and still come home proud lf myself for pulling through another double and confident i can do that again the next day (so dar my record is 4 in a row (technically 5 if you count my 3hr chili shifts…)

speaking of work… id have never thought I, thr biggest, fattest, laziest, college dropout and over all (old) source of stress within my family could become addicted to work… i mean im not saying i love working as a cashier… it just makes me smile when I make my customer smile either by small talk at the register or bringing them.all they need when Im a server… I used to think the ahole “fake it til you make it” thing was bull shit… but it’s not. I was acting like a happy person and a good employee when I started work at Corner Bakery… but now Im given compliments by corporate who come in (hq is right down the road) and my managers that they’re glad Im part of the company and that they need more workers like me… I guess it’s since I obey my manager’s word’s like law, even my manager that I don’t have much respect for (im scared to tell yall why, at least while im employed with cbc… let’s just say that respect as a manager is given with the title, respect as a person is earned…

anyways, i can’t forget to tell yall about myself physically… as of Saturday 4/12/14 I reached my latest goal.of

To Tumblr, Love Pixel Union